28th Of May 2014 Blog

Today I woke up feeling low and exhausted, mood scale is a 3 today on the Bipolar chart.
Been triggered by my mum in law who lives with us. She has been poorly for a few months and been as my husband and I are her only carers I guess it takes it toll on me.
Trigger, lets talk a little more about them shall we, for me my main triggers are illness and death mainly.
When I first started my illness many years ago, before my new label of Bipolar 2, I had this overwhelming fear of dying that got so irrational. It was triggered after nearly loosing my life after my second child was born. I feared as most single parents I guess that who would look after my new born and my toddler should anything happen to me, so this irrational fear was born.
It happened out of the blue and I have never been fully able to this point in time to recover from it. So when anyone around me gets sick or dies, It takes me down a road of shutting myself away to avoid it. But with Mum living with us and my home being my safe place it's become such a huge turmoil for me to live with since last December when she started to become unwell as I have no where to escape too. So I feel trapped, alone and desperate. It's funny but it's taking all my strength that I need to get well myself and fight this world I have become trapped in as a recluse. I sometimes feel such resentment and anger for being put in such a position to start with, but then the guilt sets in, how can I be so selfish and so the cycle starts, a never ending circle that I just can't escape from and it drags me further and further down in the that dark abyss.
If only I wasn't a recluse and was able just to escape for a few days to recharge my batteries to come back refreshed to start again, I guess we all have our crosses to bear in life.
Don't get me wrong here, I am not moaning or trying to bring anyone else down, I just believe talking helps and writing down gets it out my head at least for a little while anyway, and after all this is MY blog and I did say I would share the good and the bad, no holes barred, lol.
So today I have hid in my bedroom and played my games on Face Book and  that I use as a distraction, wrote some post on Face Book and made a few people smile along the way, talked and cuddled my German Shepherd Kaiser and started this blog, so out of a negative start came a positive.
Life can only get me down if I let it and after starting this blog I am beginning to slowly climb up the mood chat for the first time today, maybe an old friend was right after all, that writing is a therapy in its self, I guess we will see as the weeks unfold.
Isn't it funny me, who by the way that can normally talk for the whole of the UK to anyone that will stay long enough to listen, has such problems at sharing my emotions, guess that's the way British society has brought us up, that it's taboo to talk about such things, that's why I guess I love the Australians and Americans for, as they say it like it is good or bad and that my friend is liberating and freeing.
The biggest lesson I have had to learn to date is not to be a people pleaser and it's ok to say NO, it puts so much added stress into an already fast and stressful life we now live in, but it's hard to break old habit's and I constantly have to remind myself that we are only here once and I must follow my own path even if it means at times standing alone, I must stay true to myself for what else is there if not that. That will be my biggest achievement in this life time.
I am very aware also today that I haven't done any real exercise in the last 2 days apart from normal house hold duties, such as ironing and preparing meals both for my tribe (family) and the many feathered, shelled and Furry creatures I share my humble abode with. The weather has yet again took a downward spiral and there is rain oh and more rain and so dark and gloomy, which I feel helps none of us much, especially those who suffer depression. But as from tomorrow I will put on my coat and get out in the garden for a few hours of weeding and digging, doesn't matter if I get wet I can have a hot shower when I come back in the house. Being out in the fresh air helps me escape my troubles be it only for a little while, and is also helping build up my muscles and energy levels after the last 3 years just sitting in my bedroom to afraid on most days to even leave this room for a quick shower.
I am still finding it a huge challenge to be outside on my own, but I am still making myself do it and it is getting easier everyday. It is giving me a sense of pride.
One more thing before I leave you for today, do you find like me, people moan and moan but never change anything they are moaning about, I have become very conscious of this over the months with sitting back and watching others. So I made a promise to myself rather than moan I would do something constructive to change things I don't like, that's in my power to do of course, let me give you an example. I have been watching programme's of late to do with the food we eat, like food unwrapped and decided I didn't want to have to put up with the chemicals they put on and in our food to grow it faster or keep it's shelf life longer, so I brought 2 greenhouses and decided to grow my own organic fruit and vegetables myself, so I am now growing my very own Tomatoes, Cucumbers, butternut squashes, cabbages, Beetroot, Parsnips, Onions, Strawberries, Raspberries, Tayberries, Blueberries and various herbs all by myself. It's been a whole new learning curve for me but all in all very stimulating and exciting. So you see we can all putting our moaning to bed by getting out there and creating our own solutions and take some responsibility for our own welfare and that of Mother Earth.
Anyway since I have now talked you to death, I'll leave you in peace.
Have a great day, what ever you're up too and remember to smile, it confuses people xxx