Been struggling the last few days, hence no blogs.
It's so hard for me to write on my down days, as society makes you feel like you have to hide these feelings and swallow hard to prevent them for bubbling up to the surface and not say what your really feeling, I have learnt people in your life will only bare so much of your doom and gloom before they turn away from you for good, it's inevitable and the endings always the same, you end up alone and guilty, feeling like a burden.
Today I so want to be motivated but having no way of doing that on my own, when I went to the day hospital the staff helped me stay motivated and enthusiastic, but alone with no staff help I crash and burn. I found in the past that the day hospital was the closest thing to normal I have experienced in many years. One year of doing the day hospital and on being discharged I would then hold it together for the next year alone, holding down a job and doing normal things, like going out and being the social butterfly I so love. I was able to hold daily routines down with no negativity or very little anxiety on my own for another year before the old habits start again and I end up going backwards.
Have you every wanted to just do something that different and away from the daily responsibilities or daily chores?
I used to love my life, it was full of being spontaneous and doing different things every day, now my life is far from that, living with people that are stuck in routines and never leaving the house or even inviting new people over has really took its toll on me over the years. I have found that I have become nervous and I have after 20 years of living like this forgotten how to socialise myself. So I have to say as much as I'm now co-dependant I am also feeling huge resentment for them stealing my life and trapping me. Any zest for life I once had has been slowly sucked out of me and I'm left with feelings of desperation and bitterness. All I'm told is that you can do what you want, but they know I never will as I'm trapped in a co-dependent relationship, I totally get why abused women stay with their parents for years afraid to leave, it's a crippling and totally helpless position to be put in with knowing there is no escape ever.
So I Guess today I'm feeling very much like a pity party, but I have no one else to blame, as it's in fact my fault if I can't grow a pair to change the things I don't like about my life, but then who wants to be alone, better the life I have then being left alone, as lets face it who'd want me at my age(I'm definitely passed my sell by date) and with so much baggage, and I am terrified of being alone when my panic attacks hit.
So what's left for me, I guess is to sleep my life away, as at least when I dream I get to have a life of adventure and freedom I so crave. I am lucky enough that I have a lot of good friends on FB and I get to live my life also through their eyes, as they share photo's of their days with me and their adventures, so it's not all bad.
Maybe one day with someone that cares enough and has enough time, I'll be able to crawl out of this hole that's so deep and dark that is all so consuming.
Any way enough of this venting and negativity, If I don't lift myself out of this no one else will.
I need to motivate myself as I have enough tools in my kit to do so and win.
Today I will spent the rest of the day being good to myself, laughing and singing and leave the out side world where it needs to be for just this moment in time.
Stay Safe and Well, Chat Again Tomorrow.
Love Trace xxx.
Monday 9 June 2014
Thursday 5 June 2014
Well It's Been A Few Days
Well who's been a busy girl, that would be me then, lol.
Since Friday it's been crazy here.
Friday saw me still dragging my butt out of bed even though exhausted to go out and get the weekend grocery shopping with Mark. We were out for 3 hours and visited 4 shops, I was proud even in my hardest time and filled with exhaustion I did it.
Saturday saw me swallowing my deep dark fears and going to a family wedding. Getting ready was the hard part as so many times my mind gave me excuses not to go, but I won that battle and just keep saying stop to myself. It took all the determination I could muster to get out that door and go, but get out that door and go I did :). Mum Jean and Mark didn't help much either, as neither of them wanted to go either and were also looking for any little excuse to get out of it, so I was also staying strong and fighting not just mine, but their demons too. For once in my life it wasn't about me being selfish, it was about me putting someone else feelings in front of my own. It wasn't easy once I got there as my panic attacks took hold of me, but I breathed through them to come out the other side. I guess I have got to the point where I'm sick of my illness stealing everything from me and now it's time to fight back. I want family memories and a life, not just an existence trapped in one room of my house. We were out for 4 hours which is huge for me and we also ate a 3 course meal while being out again which is a big deal for me as the nausea I normally feel when out my comfort zone can stop me. The meal from the Tower Hotel in Lincoln was fabulous, I highly recommend them, if not a bit pricey, but I guess these days you only get what you pay for, lol. When I got home I was both physically and mentally exhausted from holding it all together for that length of time but I felt proud that for a short period that day, I did what, and I quote, normal people do.
Sunday was so hard to get out of bed felt so drained and like I had nothing left to give. I got myself out of bed and back into the garden out the front with Mark. Then went off to the shops to buy a few plants to place in the front and back gardens, I got 5 red kew lavenders, 5 normal, sunflower, fig tree, kiwi tree, red grape vine and a raspberry cane and got them all planted as well. My panic attack did start half way through, but instead of running back inside I once again sat still for a few minutes and breathed it through. Paul and Sheila turned up to say hi and ask us what we thought of their wedding day and how pleased they were that we all managed to attend, it made their day extra special. My Mum also rang me tonight and told me they are off to Spain for 10 days on Tuesday, this can be a huge trigger for me as normally when they go abroad someone close dies and as I don't handle death that well I am always filled with dread while they are away.
Monday was family grocery shopping day again and still hard as I'm now still slipping down further into a bipolar low. I had this huge urge to stay in bed all day so have been fighting the tiredness and exhaustion badly today. Panic attacks are now starting to make their presence known and all I want to do is shut myself away and sleep. I have also noticed my appetite is low and not feeling much hunger just now, only for cakes and junk food anything with high sugar in it, which I guess is my bodies way of staying I need comfort be good to me for now. Still to many jobs to do in the home for the family and animals so I will have to muddle through just now, no time to rest properly yet.
Tuesday, feel full of dread and agitation, feel snappy and full of self loathing, but trying to stay on top of my self talk. Mum and Dad arrived safely in Spain In the early hours of this morning. Even though still feeling tired, I got up did our whole bedroom from top to bottom, fed everyone that was here for lunch and was desperately looking forward to an afternoon granny nap when the council man arrived to fix my shower downstairs after reporting 4 months ago. Got back up feed and bathed the tortoises and cooked everyone tea, then watched my Aussie Soaps and Mark decided he wanted to go into town to get our new mower, so got ready and went wit him. We were about 2 hours as also nipped to farm foods to top up our freezers. Now I feel deflated and totally knackered and the low and panic attacks are overtaking me. Steve told me off as he would see where I was heading before I did and now I feel like I've hit another brick wall doing 100 miles an hour, it was stupid of me, I know now I should of took rest days ago, but it's not easy when your have a big house and garden to run and are full time carer for an elderly relative that lives with you as well as adult kids still living at home.
Wednesday saw me once again pulling all my strength together as I'm now on a low about 3 on the Bipolar Mood scale and showering and getting ready to once again go shopping with Mark. We were out for around 3 hours and I tried so hard to just take my time and not rush and get snappy, every time the feeling of agitation rose I was self aware and swallowed it back down again. then I came home and slept until 6pm, felt guilty as Mark had to do the evening animal care. Ashley and I did tea for myself , Nina and himself, so wasn't too bad but the panic attacks are raising as the tiredness sets in more. I went in Paltalk for a bit but didn't stay as was too tired for small talk and being every one else's clown. So watched the England match and had a quiet night by myself. Just wish I could get one good nights sleep without getting up every hour, broken sleep really sucks.
Thursday (today) Well I have got up for what's it's worth still on a mood scale of 3 and even more exhausted and filled with panic attacks today. So decided to not move much a day on my bed is called for and so I'm catching up here with my Blog and my games on Face Book and generally being good to myself and my needs. today I am snappy agitated and restless, also feeling very paranoid and second guessing my every thought and words I say to other people, not the best place to be. Anyway today I will have to rest as my panic attacks are making me do that, so no choice. So just me my bed sleep, occasionally get up for the toilet and food and may snuggle tonight with Kaiser, my dog, Eddie My African grey and my TV or and If I feel brave enough later a quick shower to freshen up. I am lucky to have a good and loyal partner as Mark will take the load of the rest of house and any house hold duties that need his attention, like Mum Jean etc, etc.
Anyway, Tomorrows another day.
Be safe and remember to smile it confuses people :).
Until tomorrow, Trace signing out xxx
Since Friday it's been crazy here.
Friday saw me still dragging my butt out of bed even though exhausted to go out and get the weekend grocery shopping with Mark. We were out for 3 hours and visited 4 shops, I was proud even in my hardest time and filled with exhaustion I did it.
Saturday saw me swallowing my deep dark fears and going to a family wedding. Getting ready was the hard part as so many times my mind gave me excuses not to go, but I won that battle and just keep saying stop to myself. It took all the determination I could muster to get out that door and go, but get out that door and go I did :). Mum Jean and Mark didn't help much either, as neither of them wanted to go either and were also looking for any little excuse to get out of it, so I was also staying strong and fighting not just mine, but their demons too. For once in my life it wasn't about me being selfish, it was about me putting someone else feelings in front of my own. It wasn't easy once I got there as my panic attacks took hold of me, but I breathed through them to come out the other side. I guess I have got to the point where I'm sick of my illness stealing everything from me and now it's time to fight back. I want family memories and a life, not just an existence trapped in one room of my house. We were out for 4 hours which is huge for me and we also ate a 3 course meal while being out again which is a big deal for me as the nausea I normally feel when out my comfort zone can stop me. The meal from the Tower Hotel in Lincoln was fabulous, I highly recommend them, if not a bit pricey, but I guess these days you only get what you pay for, lol. When I got home I was both physically and mentally exhausted from holding it all together for that length of time but I felt proud that for a short period that day, I did what, and I quote, normal people do.
Sunday was so hard to get out of bed felt so drained and like I had nothing left to give. I got myself out of bed and back into the garden out the front with Mark. Then went off to the shops to buy a few plants to place in the front and back gardens, I got 5 red kew lavenders, 5 normal, sunflower, fig tree, kiwi tree, red grape vine and a raspberry cane and got them all planted as well. My panic attack did start half way through, but instead of running back inside I once again sat still for a few minutes and breathed it through. Paul and Sheila turned up to say hi and ask us what we thought of their wedding day and how pleased they were that we all managed to attend, it made their day extra special. My Mum also rang me tonight and told me they are off to Spain for 10 days on Tuesday, this can be a huge trigger for me as normally when they go abroad someone close dies and as I don't handle death that well I am always filled with dread while they are away.
Monday was family grocery shopping day again and still hard as I'm now still slipping down further into a bipolar low. I had this huge urge to stay in bed all day so have been fighting the tiredness and exhaustion badly today. Panic attacks are now starting to make their presence known and all I want to do is shut myself away and sleep. I have also noticed my appetite is low and not feeling much hunger just now, only for cakes and junk food anything with high sugar in it, which I guess is my bodies way of staying I need comfort be good to me for now. Still to many jobs to do in the home for the family and animals so I will have to muddle through just now, no time to rest properly yet.
Tuesday, feel full of dread and agitation, feel snappy and full of self loathing, but trying to stay on top of my self talk. Mum and Dad arrived safely in Spain In the early hours of this morning. Even though still feeling tired, I got up did our whole bedroom from top to bottom, fed everyone that was here for lunch and was desperately looking forward to an afternoon granny nap when the council man arrived to fix my shower downstairs after reporting 4 months ago. Got back up feed and bathed the tortoises and cooked everyone tea, then watched my Aussie Soaps and Mark decided he wanted to go into town to get our new mower, so got ready and went wit him. We were about 2 hours as also nipped to farm foods to top up our freezers. Now I feel deflated and totally knackered and the low and panic attacks are overtaking me. Steve told me off as he would see where I was heading before I did and now I feel like I've hit another brick wall doing 100 miles an hour, it was stupid of me, I know now I should of took rest days ago, but it's not easy when your have a big house and garden to run and are full time carer for an elderly relative that lives with you as well as adult kids still living at home.
Wednesday saw me once again pulling all my strength together as I'm now on a low about 3 on the Bipolar Mood scale and showering and getting ready to once again go shopping with Mark. We were out for around 3 hours and I tried so hard to just take my time and not rush and get snappy, every time the feeling of agitation rose I was self aware and swallowed it back down again. then I came home and slept until 6pm, felt guilty as Mark had to do the evening animal care. Ashley and I did tea for myself , Nina and himself, so wasn't too bad but the panic attacks are raising as the tiredness sets in more. I went in Paltalk for a bit but didn't stay as was too tired for small talk and being every one else's clown. So watched the England match and had a quiet night by myself. Just wish I could get one good nights sleep without getting up every hour, broken sleep really sucks.
Thursday (today) Well I have got up for what's it's worth still on a mood scale of 3 and even more exhausted and filled with panic attacks today. So decided to not move much a day on my bed is called for and so I'm catching up here with my Blog and my games on Face Book and generally being good to myself and my needs. today I am snappy agitated and restless, also feeling very paranoid and second guessing my every thought and words I say to other people, not the best place to be. Anyway today I will have to rest as my panic attacks are making me do that, so no choice. So just me my bed sleep, occasionally get up for the toilet and food and may snuggle tonight with Kaiser, my dog, Eddie My African grey and my TV or and If I feel brave enough later a quick shower to freshen up. I am lucky to have a good and loyal partner as Mark will take the load of the rest of house and any house hold duties that need his attention, like Mum Jean etc, etc.
Anyway, Tomorrows another day.
Be safe and remember to smile it confuses people :).
Until tomorrow, Trace signing out xxx
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