The Young And The Restless

Mood Scale Today Is Still A 3.
Got up with little energy, feeling so exhausted all the time at the moment. Down To The Mum In-Law still being unwell and triggering me, bless her.
Got terrible tummy cramps today too, due to 5 Fibroids I have in my womb that play up from time to time, so not having a very good time of it this morning.
Weather here today again is rain, rain, oh yes and more rain, making for a dark and gloomy day.
I spent yesterday with feeling low trying to find (just what it says on the label) a Bipolar support group I could join on Face-Book, I joined a few but they are all the same, just doom and gloom. It seems to be the thing to be in competition with each other to who takes the most med's or who the most depressed, after spending a bit of time on them, I left feeling worse than before I found them, guess they aren't for me, maybe if I can't find what I am looking for I should create my own, just one of the many idea's I have been playing around with in my head. Saying that if I did It would mean dedication, something I'm not the best with on my own dark days, so we will see, lol.
I also keep thinking about DJing again more regularly for the internet station I volunteer my time for when I'm well, but even though I really want too, I don't want to let anyone down again and with Mum being so ill and myself low at the this moment it's probably not the best idea, in time maybe, but not the best plan of action just now, so I guess I'll just keeping writing here for now until settle down a little :).
I am so restless today, The want to do something new and exciting is there, but the body and emotions are not willing and are letting me down.
I can always tell when I'm entering a low as the want to mix with others leaves me and my bedroom once again becomes my best friend, along with my Face-Book games and my television, in-fact anything that helps me escape reality.
Let me try to explain when the low comes in what it feels like to someone who doesn't suffer, after you know me, I love to share, lol.
It's a dark all consuming cloud that hangs over your whole being with no escape or anywhere to hide from it, it leaves you feeling totally and utterly depleted and deflated, You become paranoid and vulnerable and for me especially very self critical and over analyse every word or action of others.  My Panic Attacks begin to increase and that in it's self brings terrible feeling of guilt and loneliness. Also I can't be bothered with anything, even to eat is such an effort as my mind is so indecisive, so I normally eat junk food, lots of sugar to make me feel better but the feeling is only short term, then once again the guilt hits as I can't loose this awful weight I'm carrying and I hate myself terrible for being such a slave to eating for comfort.
I am snappy and so irritable that should you talk to me in this state of my low you wouldn't recognise the demon I have become and once again the cycle of guilt continues on.
My head Talks to me all the time, telling me I'm useless, unworthy and total don't deserve anything nice to ever happen to me in this life time, I deserve all of this torment.
Also I have irrational fears that kick in like, if I take med's they will poison me or if I eat certain foods, and this can be any foods out of the blue that I have eaten for years, I will have an allergic reaction and die, just stupid things that when I not low I know are stupid and irrational.
During these times I also cut outsiders off and don't talk to them for days or months as I feel I don't deserve their help or support and with having abandonment issues from childhood it's easier for me to walk away first then be left with the terrible heart ache of someone yet again leaving me alone and isolated.
All I can say is thank god for my husband who puts with all that and more, he truly is my soul mate and the only one I have found in this life time to love me unconditionally, he will always be the love of my life and my silent hero.
I am so lucky to have by my side he keeps me sane and because of him I have more good days than bad. he is the one that cuddles me and tells me every things going be alright, when other people that are suppose to be my friends, don't understand my illness and crucify me for it. He is compassionate and soooo patient with me, never criticizing or moaning he just accepts it all and takes it in his stride. God love him xx.
Funny, how I have spent the best part of my life looking and searching for a best friend, when all along I had the best friend a girl could ever want right by my side, but I guess I had to figure that one out for myself, only took me 20 years, lol.
So what's my plans for today, to be good myself and not listen to them stupid voices in my head, spending a lot of time today doing affirmations and taking control of my self talk. I have also gone back to doing my mindfulness meditations as I must say the Buddhist know a thing or too about finding peace within ones self.
So all that's left for me to say today is have a good one what ever you're up too.
Trace signing out xxx