Mood Scale Today Is Still A 3.
Got up with little energy, feeling so exhausted all the time at the moment. Down To The Mum In-Law still being unwell and triggering me, bless her.
Got terrible tummy cramps today too, due to 5 Fibroids I have in my womb that play up from time to time, so not having a very good time of it this morning.
Weather here today again is rain, rain, oh yes and more rain, making for a dark and gloomy day.
I spent yesterday with feeling low trying to find (just what it says on the label) a Bipolar support group I could join on Face-Book, I joined a few but they are all the same, just doom and gloom. It seems to be the thing to be in competition with each other to who takes the most med's or who the most depressed, after spending a bit of time on them, I left feeling worse than before I found them, guess they aren't for me, maybe if I can't find what I am looking for I should create my own, just one of the many idea's I have been playing around with in my head. Saying that if I did It would mean dedication, something I'm not the best with on my own dark days, so we will see, lol.
I also keep thinking about DJing again more regularly for the internet station I volunteer my time for when I'm well, but even though I really want too, I don't want to let anyone down again and with Mum being so ill and myself low at the this moment it's probably not the best idea, in time maybe, but not the best plan of action just now, so I guess I'll just keeping writing here for now until settle down a little :).
I am so restless today, The want to do something new and exciting is there, but the body and emotions are not willing and are letting me down.
I can always tell when I'm entering a low as the want to mix with others leaves me and my bedroom once again becomes my best friend, along with my Face-Book games and my television, in-fact anything that helps me escape reality.
Let me try to explain when the low comes in what it feels like to someone who doesn't suffer, after you know me, I love to share, lol.
It's a dark all consuming cloud that hangs over your whole being with no escape or anywhere to hide from it, it leaves you feeling totally and utterly depleted and deflated, You become paranoid and vulnerable and for me especially very self critical and over analyse every word or action of others. My Panic Attacks begin to increase and that in it's self brings terrible feeling of guilt and loneliness. Also I can't be bothered with anything, even to eat is such an effort as my mind is so indecisive, so I normally eat junk food, lots of sugar to make me feel better but the feeling is only short term, then once again the guilt hits as I can't loose this awful weight I'm carrying and I hate myself terrible for being such a slave to eating for comfort.
I am snappy and so irritable that should you talk to me in this state of my low you wouldn't recognise the demon I have become and once again the cycle of guilt continues on.
My head Talks to me all the time, telling me I'm useless, unworthy and total don't deserve anything nice to ever happen to me in this life time, I deserve all of this torment.
Also I have irrational fears that kick in like, if I take med's they will poison me or if I eat certain foods, and this can be any foods out of the blue that I have eaten for years, I will have an allergic reaction and die, just stupid things that when I not low I know are stupid and irrational.
During these times I also cut outsiders off and don't talk to them for days or months as I feel I don't deserve their help or support and with having abandonment issues from childhood it's easier for me to walk away first then be left with the terrible heart ache of someone yet again leaving me alone and isolated.
All I can say is thank god for my husband who puts with all that and more, he truly is my soul mate and the only one I have found in this life time to love me unconditionally, he will always be the love of my life and my silent hero.
I am so lucky to have by my side he keeps me sane and because of him I have more good days than bad. he is the one that cuddles me and tells me every things going be alright, when other people that are suppose to be my friends, don't understand my illness and crucify me for it. He is compassionate and soooo patient with me, never criticizing or moaning he just accepts it all and takes it in his stride. God love him xx.
Funny, how I have spent the best part of my life looking and searching for a best friend, when all along I had the best friend a girl could ever want right by my side, but I guess I had to figure that one out for myself, only took me 20 years, lol.
So what's my plans for today, to be good myself and not listen to them stupid voices in my head, spending a lot of time today doing affirmations and taking control of my self talk. I have also gone back to doing my mindfulness meditations as I must say the Buddhist know a thing or too about finding peace within ones self.
So all that's left for me to say today is have a good one what ever you're up too.
Trace signing out xxx
Thursday 29 May 2014
28th Of May 2014 Blog
Today I woke up feeling low and exhausted, mood scale is a 3 today on the Bipolar chart.
Been triggered by my mum in law who lives with us. She has been poorly for a few months and been as my husband and I are her only carers I guess it takes it toll on me.
Trigger, lets talk a little more about them shall we, for me my main triggers are illness and death mainly.
When I first started my illness many years ago, before my new label of Bipolar 2, I had this overwhelming fear of dying that got so irrational. It was triggered after nearly loosing my life after my second child was born. I feared as most single parents I guess that who would look after my new born and my toddler should anything happen to me, so this irrational fear was born.
It happened out of the blue and I have never been fully able to this point in time to recover from it. So when anyone around me gets sick or dies, It takes me down a road of shutting myself away to avoid it. But with Mum living with us and my home being my safe place it's become such a huge turmoil for me to live with since last December when she started to become unwell as I have no where to escape too. So I feel trapped, alone and desperate. It's funny but it's taking all my strength that I need to get well myself and fight this world I have become trapped in as a recluse. I sometimes feel such resentment and anger for being put in such a position to start with, but then the guilt sets in, how can I be so selfish and so the cycle starts, a never ending circle that I just can't escape from and it drags me further and further down in the that dark abyss.
If only I wasn't a recluse and was able just to escape for a few days to recharge my batteries to come back refreshed to start again, I guess we all have our crosses to bear in life.
Don't get me wrong here, I am not moaning or trying to bring anyone else down, I just believe talking helps and writing down gets it out my head at least for a little while anyway, and after all this is MY blog and I did say I would share the good and the bad, no holes barred, lol.
So today I have hid in my bedroom and played my games on Face Book and that I use as a distraction, wrote some post on Face Book and made a few people smile along the way, talked and cuddled my German Shepherd Kaiser and started this blog, so out of a negative start came a positive.
Life can only get me down if I let it and after starting this blog I am beginning to slowly climb up the mood chat for the first time today, maybe an old friend was right after all, that writing is a therapy in its self, I guess we will see as the weeks unfold.
Isn't it funny me, who by the way that can normally talk for the whole of the UK to anyone that will stay long enough to listen, has such problems at sharing my emotions, guess that's the way British society has brought us up, that it's taboo to talk about such things, that's why I guess I love the Australians and Americans for, as they say it like it is good or bad and that my friend is liberating and freeing.
The biggest lesson I have had to learn to date is not to be a people pleaser and it's ok to say NO, it puts so much added stress into an already fast and stressful life we now live in, but it's hard to break old habit's and I constantly have to remind myself that we are only here once and I must follow my own path even if it means at times standing alone, I must stay true to myself for what else is there if not that. That will be my biggest achievement in this life time.
I am very aware also today that I haven't done any real exercise in the last 2 days apart from normal house hold duties, such as ironing and preparing meals both for my tribe (family) and the many feathered, shelled and Furry creatures I share my humble abode with. The weather has yet again took a downward spiral and there is rain oh and more rain and so dark and gloomy, which I feel helps none of us much, especially those who suffer depression. But as from tomorrow I will put on my coat and get out in the garden for a few hours of weeding and digging, doesn't matter if I get wet I can have a hot shower when I come back in the house. Being out in the fresh air helps me escape my troubles be it only for a little while, and is also helping build up my muscles and energy levels after the last 3 years just sitting in my bedroom to afraid on most days to even leave this room for a quick shower.
I am still finding it a huge challenge to be outside on my own, but I am still making myself do it and it is getting easier everyday. It is giving me a sense of pride.
One more thing before I leave you for today, do you find like me, people moan and moan but never change anything they are moaning about, I have become very conscious of this over the months with sitting back and watching others. So I made a promise to myself rather than moan I would do something constructive to change things I don't like, that's in my power to do of course, let me give you an example. I have been watching programme's of late to do with the food we eat, like food unwrapped and decided I didn't want to have to put up with the chemicals they put on and in our food to grow it faster or keep it's shelf life longer, so I brought 2 greenhouses and decided to grow my own organic fruit and vegetables myself, so I am now growing my very own Tomatoes, Cucumbers, butternut squashes, cabbages, Beetroot, Parsnips, Onions, Strawberries, Raspberries, Tayberries, Blueberries and various herbs all by myself. It's been a whole new learning curve for me but all in all very stimulating and exciting. So you see we can all putting our moaning to bed by getting out there and creating our own solutions and take some responsibility for our own welfare and that of Mother Earth.
Anyway since I have now talked you to death, I'll leave you in peace.
Have a great day, what ever you're up too and remember to smile, it confuses people xxx
Been triggered by my mum in law who lives with us. She has been poorly for a few months and been as my husband and I are her only carers I guess it takes it toll on me.
Trigger, lets talk a little more about them shall we, for me my main triggers are illness and death mainly.
When I first started my illness many years ago, before my new label of Bipolar 2, I had this overwhelming fear of dying that got so irrational. It was triggered after nearly loosing my life after my second child was born. I feared as most single parents I guess that who would look after my new born and my toddler should anything happen to me, so this irrational fear was born.
It happened out of the blue and I have never been fully able to this point in time to recover from it. So when anyone around me gets sick or dies, It takes me down a road of shutting myself away to avoid it. But with Mum living with us and my home being my safe place it's become such a huge turmoil for me to live with since last December when she started to become unwell as I have no where to escape too. So I feel trapped, alone and desperate. It's funny but it's taking all my strength that I need to get well myself and fight this world I have become trapped in as a recluse. I sometimes feel such resentment and anger for being put in such a position to start with, but then the guilt sets in, how can I be so selfish and so the cycle starts, a never ending circle that I just can't escape from and it drags me further and further down in the that dark abyss.
If only I wasn't a recluse and was able just to escape for a few days to recharge my batteries to come back refreshed to start again, I guess we all have our crosses to bear in life.
Don't get me wrong here, I am not moaning or trying to bring anyone else down, I just believe talking helps and writing down gets it out my head at least for a little while anyway, and after all this is MY blog and I did say I would share the good and the bad, no holes barred, lol.
So today I have hid in my bedroom and played my games on Face Book and that I use as a distraction, wrote some post on Face Book and made a few people smile along the way, talked and cuddled my German Shepherd Kaiser and started this blog, so out of a negative start came a positive.
Life can only get me down if I let it and after starting this blog I am beginning to slowly climb up the mood chat for the first time today, maybe an old friend was right after all, that writing is a therapy in its self, I guess we will see as the weeks unfold.
Isn't it funny me, who by the way that can normally talk for the whole of the UK to anyone that will stay long enough to listen, has such problems at sharing my emotions, guess that's the way British society has brought us up, that it's taboo to talk about such things, that's why I guess I love the Australians and Americans for, as they say it like it is good or bad and that my friend is liberating and freeing.
The biggest lesson I have had to learn to date is not to be a people pleaser and it's ok to say NO, it puts so much added stress into an already fast and stressful life we now live in, but it's hard to break old habit's and I constantly have to remind myself that we are only here once and I must follow my own path even if it means at times standing alone, I must stay true to myself for what else is there if not that. That will be my biggest achievement in this life time.
I am very aware also today that I haven't done any real exercise in the last 2 days apart from normal house hold duties, such as ironing and preparing meals both for my tribe (family) and the many feathered, shelled and Furry creatures I share my humble abode with. The weather has yet again took a downward spiral and there is rain oh and more rain and so dark and gloomy, which I feel helps none of us much, especially those who suffer depression. But as from tomorrow I will put on my coat and get out in the garden for a few hours of weeding and digging, doesn't matter if I get wet I can have a hot shower when I come back in the house. Being out in the fresh air helps me escape my troubles be it only for a little while, and is also helping build up my muscles and energy levels after the last 3 years just sitting in my bedroom to afraid on most days to even leave this room for a quick shower.
I am still finding it a huge challenge to be outside on my own, but I am still making myself do it and it is getting easier everyday. It is giving me a sense of pride.
One more thing before I leave you for today, do you find like me, people moan and moan but never change anything they are moaning about, I have become very conscious of this over the months with sitting back and watching others. So I made a promise to myself rather than moan I would do something constructive to change things I don't like, that's in my power to do of course, let me give you an example. I have been watching programme's of late to do with the food we eat, like food unwrapped and decided I didn't want to have to put up with the chemicals they put on and in our food to grow it faster or keep it's shelf life longer, so I brought 2 greenhouses and decided to grow my own organic fruit and vegetables myself, so I am now growing my very own Tomatoes, Cucumbers, butternut squashes, cabbages, Beetroot, Parsnips, Onions, Strawberries, Raspberries, Tayberries, Blueberries and various herbs all by myself. It's been a whole new learning curve for me but all in all very stimulating and exciting. So you see we can all putting our moaning to bed by getting out there and creating our own solutions and take some responsibility for our own welfare and that of Mother Earth.
Anyway since I have now talked you to death, I'll leave you in peace.
Have a great day, what ever you're up too and remember to smile, it confuses people xxx
Wednesday 28 May 2014
As My World Turns (My Brief Introduction)
It's been 6 weeks since of was given the label of Bipolar 2, Even Though it's been 25 years coming.
For Years I have been told by professionals I suffered from clinical depression, with panic attack disorder and Agoraphobia thrown in for good measure.
Over the years I have learnt to live with it turning away from main stream medicine and travelling down a pathway of self discovery all in the quest to get myself well again, and to be honest I was doing ok, I had learnt to accept and even embrace it at times. A wise man once said and I quote: It's not about surviving the storm, it's about getting out there and dancing in the rain.
So how do I feel now, well it's been a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least, first came the numbness and shock, then the I feel sorry for myself, and lastly anger, knowing I will never be able to be who I was before this illness robbed me and I also feel very cheated out of life. This silent stranger has taken all I once was, replacing it with a shadow of my former self.
I have decided after a long and hard deliberation and researching that I am not as yet prepared to go down the drugs road with this illness, to many side effects with the big drugs, but I'm not saying never, just not for this moment in time. I am however saying as I have managed this illness for 25 years on my own, prepared to self manage and share that journey here with who ever is interested in learning and watching my progress. I have over the years learnt many things to help me down this road, it's like life had already started me on this journey years ago before I had any idea what it was I was even dealing with, So hence I have tools that I feel will keep me in good sted, such as NLP, CBT, and a few others I will share with you as we get to know each other better, lol.
So as you join me on my blogging adventure you will share with me all that is entailed with a journey of once being a recluse, alone and desperate and just existing, to a women who is going to fight everyday to enjoy life and learn to go out side and experience this wonderful world.
I will share with you everyday my journey from the beginning with all the fear and uncertainty of facing a world 25 years ago I turned my back on, you will travel with me as I face my irrational fears, Share my darkest secrets and watch me grow and become part of the world again.
So without further ado, welcome and please fasten your seatbelts for the bumpy ride that is my life
Have A Great Day
Love Trace xxx
For Years I have been told by professionals I suffered from clinical depression, with panic attack disorder and Agoraphobia thrown in for good measure.
Over the years I have learnt to live with it turning away from main stream medicine and travelling down a pathway of self discovery all in the quest to get myself well again, and to be honest I was doing ok, I had learnt to accept and even embrace it at times. A wise man once said and I quote: It's not about surviving the storm, it's about getting out there and dancing in the rain.
So how do I feel now, well it's been a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least, first came the numbness and shock, then the I feel sorry for myself, and lastly anger, knowing I will never be able to be who I was before this illness robbed me and I also feel very cheated out of life. This silent stranger has taken all I once was, replacing it with a shadow of my former self.
I have decided after a long and hard deliberation and researching that I am not as yet prepared to go down the drugs road with this illness, to many side effects with the big drugs, but I'm not saying never, just not for this moment in time. I am however saying as I have managed this illness for 25 years on my own, prepared to self manage and share that journey here with who ever is interested in learning and watching my progress. I have over the years learnt many things to help me down this road, it's like life had already started me on this journey years ago before I had any idea what it was I was even dealing with, So hence I have tools that I feel will keep me in good sted, such as NLP, CBT, and a few others I will share with you as we get to know each other better, lol.
So as you join me on my blogging adventure you will share with me all that is entailed with a journey of once being a recluse, alone and desperate and just existing, to a women who is going to fight everyday to enjoy life and learn to go out side and experience this wonderful world.
I will share with you everyday my journey from the beginning with all the fear and uncertainty of facing a world 25 years ago I turned my back on, you will travel with me as I face my irrational fears, Share my darkest secrets and watch me grow and become part of the world again.
So without further ado, welcome and please fasten your seatbelts for the bumpy ride that is my life
Have A Great Day
Love Trace xxx
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