LIfe's A Rollercoaster

Been struggling the last few days, hence no blogs.
It's so hard for me to write on my down days, as society makes you feel like you have to hide these feelings and swallow hard to prevent them for bubbling up to the surface and not say what your really feeling, I have learnt people in your life will only bare so much of your doom and gloom before they turn away from you for good, it's inevitable and the endings always the same, you end up alone and guilty, feeling like a burden.
Today I so want to be motivated but having no way of doing that on my own, when I went to the day hospital the staff helped me stay motivated and enthusiastic, but alone with no staff help I crash and burn. I found in the past that the day hospital was the closest thing to normal I have experienced in many years. One year of doing the day hospital and on being discharged I would then hold it together for the next year alone, holding down a job and doing normal things, like going out and being the social butterfly I so love. I was able to hold daily routines down with no negativity or very little anxiety on my own for another year before the old habits start again and I end up going backwards.

Have you every wanted to just do something that different and away from the daily responsibilities or daily chores?

I used to love my life, it was full of being spontaneous and doing different things every day, now my life is far from that, living with people that are stuck in routines and never leaving the house or even inviting new people over has really took its toll on me over the years. I have found that I have become nervous and I have after 20 years of living like this forgotten how to socialise myself. So I have to say as much as I'm now co-dependant I am also feeling huge resentment for them stealing my life and trapping me. Any zest for life I once had has been slowly sucked out of me and I'm left with feelings of desperation and bitterness. All I'm told is that you can do what you want, but they know I never will as I'm trapped in a co-dependent relationship, I totally get why abused women stay with their parents for years afraid to leave, it's a crippling and totally helpless position to be put in with knowing there is no escape ever.

So I Guess today I'm feeling very much like a pity party, but I have no one else to blame, as it's in fact my fault if I can't grow a pair to change the things I don't like about my life, but then who wants to be alone, better the life I have then being left alone, as lets face it who'd want me at my age(I'm definitely passed my sell by date) and with so much baggage, and I am terrified of being alone when my panic attacks hit.

So what's left for me, I guess is to sleep my life away, as at least when I dream I get to have a life of adventure and freedom I so crave. I am lucky enough that I have a lot of good friends on FB and I get to live my life also through their eyes, as they share photo's of their days with me and their adventures, so it's not all bad.

Maybe one day with someone that cares enough and has enough time, I'll be able to crawl out of this hole that's so deep and dark that is all so consuming.

Any way enough of this venting and negativity, If I don't lift myself out of this no one else will.

I need to motivate myself as I have enough tools in my kit to do so and win.

Today I will spent the rest of the day being good to myself, laughing and singing and leave the out side world where it needs to be for just this moment in time.

Stay Safe and Well, Chat Again Tomorrow.
Love Trace xxx.