It's been a while since I last wrote anything here, and wow so much as happened of late.
I have started back being a DJ for Megacast, I have fallen out with my mum in-law and another friend due to finally being able to stand up for myself and not take anyone else's bullshit or drama, life is indeed to short and my time is way to precious to be dragged into another's baggage, as I often call it.
So I have chose to walk away with my head held high, comfortable in my own skin, no second guessing myself or searching of approval. That in it's self is a huge leap forward in my life lessons, yes it's fair to say, I'm finally getting it. You don't have to give these individuals your energy or attention, we have the power to let it all go with love and move forward.
I am still struggle daily with my demons that vacate my mind from time to time, so I am also working on my self talk and mindfulness practice, which means I am learning to discipline my own mind and not be a servant to it anymore, seeing it for what it is and thanking it for helping me,even through it's programming is all wrong and outdated, I'm able to see that now and act in accordance. I understand now that it was only trying to protect me and it had been programmed to primal man which I guess it switch too when I experienced a trauma that at the time was too big for me to face, so I send love and light to it and say thank you.
I finally feel I am on the right track for healing myself of 25 years of being a prisoner of my mind and a recluse, the life lessons that once took me away from the world are finally being seen, healed and learnt.
By looking into, questioning and opening up my conscious mind I have the tools to see it clearly for what it is. It was just giving me lessons, it was never nothing personal, it was always about the ability for growth and evolving, helping me be then best I can be, nothing more.
I have found a huge passion in talking about this awareness and sharing it with other liked minded people, in doing so it is not only helping myself break free, but causing a ripple effect and opening the door for other should they choose to enter and do the same.
This week we have talk about the responsibility and what that means for us as individuals, for me it means to be able to take responsibility for myself and my own actions and let the controlling of others go, as it really is none of my business how other's react or what they say at given moment in time, all I can do is take responsibility for the way I react to a situation. It's about being clear of ones own journey and giving the freedom to others the experience theirs without my input or attention, keeping the focus purely on me and my self management. So more and more these days I choose to breath, smile and wave, it's way better for my health and healing.
When someone does bring something up that hits a nerve with me now, instead of challenge them, I choose to look as why it has effected my very being, by looking at this way:
I believe people come into our reality as teachers for the most part and when they hit buttons that make us want to react in a negative way, one must step back, look into the reason why this has happened and question it. They in effect become the mirrors of our own reality it you will, showing us deep inside our own selves, giving us the tools to heal and be at peace. I'm not talking here just a little peace, I'm talking total peace of mind, a balance in which to see the whole truth and befriend it.
This week we have also touch on the subject of labels, words and names, what are they really? For me I guess they are just a way of making sense of things nothing more. Labels don't make us, but they do give us a way of communicating in layman terms with each other, in a way we can all understand, like putting us all on the same page if you will. Now,what are words, well really they are just nouns strung together to form a sentence, they have no meaning until we attach emotions to them, then they become powerful to us as individuals. We can choose to pick that sentence up and wear it like a badge or baggage or look deeper into it to see what this has struck in our inner being and work through it, to see the light at the end of what is really being spoken. Next time you get a chance listen to what is really being spoken, listen with the intent to hear not reply, for only then will you see clearly the answers that are in front of you. People often have asked me how will I know when I'm being true to self, well that's easier that you think to answer, we are all born with an emotional guidance system, that has been set in place to help us on our path of life. What that means is spiritually we are born in balance, mind, body and soul all working together, as we journey through life, through programming of others: Society, Peers, Teachers, Friends, Family and what is politically correct we start to live a lie, looking constantly to please or get others approval, So we loose sight of our true selves and can become unbalanced or at DIS-EASE and that's when the mind takes over trying hard, to get us back in tune if you will, and the thinking, thinking starts. I truly believe we are here to live a life of bliss, peace and joy, not suffer, suffering only occurs when we get out of sync from the body, mind and soul. The body only becomes Dis-Eased when we are no longer in balance, diseases manifest when we use our emotional guidance system wrongly, when will fill our minds with all the negative and destructive emotions, Like: envy, hate, bitterness, anger, jealously etc, when we fill ourselves with joy, happiness, love and such, pain and disorder drop away, leaving a space for forgiveness and self peace and inner growth.
anyway thought I'd share my week with you so far, it's been truly inspirational and mind blowing. For me I have finally been able to see the trees again and venture through the woods without fear of loosing sight of them.
So until my next blog.
Be safe and may you find peace, love and forgiveness for yourself too xxx.
Thursday 11 September 2014
Monday 9 June 2014
LIfe's A Rollercoaster
Been struggling the last few days, hence no blogs.
It's so hard for me to write on my down days, as society makes you feel like you have to hide these feelings and swallow hard to prevent them for bubbling up to the surface and not say what your really feeling, I have learnt people in your life will only bare so much of your doom and gloom before they turn away from you for good, it's inevitable and the endings always the same, you end up alone and guilty, feeling like a burden.
Today I so want to be motivated but having no way of doing that on my own, when I went to the day hospital the staff helped me stay motivated and enthusiastic, but alone with no staff help I crash and burn. I found in the past that the day hospital was the closest thing to normal I have experienced in many years. One year of doing the day hospital and on being discharged I would then hold it together for the next year alone, holding down a job and doing normal things, like going out and being the social butterfly I so love. I was able to hold daily routines down with no negativity or very little anxiety on my own for another year before the old habits start again and I end up going backwards.
Have you every wanted to just do something that different and away from the daily responsibilities or daily chores?
I used to love my life, it was full of being spontaneous and doing different things every day, now my life is far from that, living with people that are stuck in routines and never leaving the house or even inviting new people over has really took its toll on me over the years. I have found that I have become nervous and I have after 20 years of living like this forgotten how to socialise myself. So I have to say as much as I'm now co-dependant I am also feeling huge resentment for them stealing my life and trapping me. Any zest for life I once had has been slowly sucked out of me and I'm left with feelings of desperation and bitterness. All I'm told is that you can do what you want, but they know I never will as I'm trapped in a co-dependent relationship, I totally get why abused women stay with their parents for years afraid to leave, it's a crippling and totally helpless position to be put in with knowing there is no escape ever.
So I Guess today I'm feeling very much like a pity party, but I have no one else to blame, as it's in fact my fault if I can't grow a pair to change the things I don't like about my life, but then who wants to be alone, better the life I have then being left alone, as lets face it who'd want me at my age(I'm definitely passed my sell by date) and with so much baggage, and I am terrified of being alone when my panic attacks hit.
So what's left for me, I guess is to sleep my life away, as at least when I dream I get to have a life of adventure and freedom I so crave. I am lucky enough that I have a lot of good friends on FB and I get to live my life also through their eyes, as they share photo's of their days with me and their adventures, so it's not all bad.
Maybe one day with someone that cares enough and has enough time, I'll be able to crawl out of this hole that's so deep and dark that is all so consuming.
Any way enough of this venting and negativity, If I don't lift myself out of this no one else will.
I need to motivate myself as I have enough tools in my kit to do so and win.
Today I will spent the rest of the day being good to myself, laughing and singing and leave the out side world where it needs to be for just this moment in time.
Stay Safe and Well, Chat Again Tomorrow.
Love Trace xxx.
It's so hard for me to write on my down days, as society makes you feel like you have to hide these feelings and swallow hard to prevent them for bubbling up to the surface and not say what your really feeling, I have learnt people in your life will only bare so much of your doom and gloom before they turn away from you for good, it's inevitable and the endings always the same, you end up alone and guilty, feeling like a burden.
Today I so want to be motivated but having no way of doing that on my own, when I went to the day hospital the staff helped me stay motivated and enthusiastic, but alone with no staff help I crash and burn. I found in the past that the day hospital was the closest thing to normal I have experienced in many years. One year of doing the day hospital and on being discharged I would then hold it together for the next year alone, holding down a job and doing normal things, like going out and being the social butterfly I so love. I was able to hold daily routines down with no negativity or very little anxiety on my own for another year before the old habits start again and I end up going backwards.
Have you every wanted to just do something that different and away from the daily responsibilities or daily chores?
I used to love my life, it was full of being spontaneous and doing different things every day, now my life is far from that, living with people that are stuck in routines and never leaving the house or even inviting new people over has really took its toll on me over the years. I have found that I have become nervous and I have after 20 years of living like this forgotten how to socialise myself. So I have to say as much as I'm now co-dependant I am also feeling huge resentment for them stealing my life and trapping me. Any zest for life I once had has been slowly sucked out of me and I'm left with feelings of desperation and bitterness. All I'm told is that you can do what you want, but they know I never will as I'm trapped in a co-dependent relationship, I totally get why abused women stay with their parents for years afraid to leave, it's a crippling and totally helpless position to be put in with knowing there is no escape ever.
So I Guess today I'm feeling very much like a pity party, but I have no one else to blame, as it's in fact my fault if I can't grow a pair to change the things I don't like about my life, but then who wants to be alone, better the life I have then being left alone, as lets face it who'd want me at my age(I'm definitely passed my sell by date) and with so much baggage, and I am terrified of being alone when my panic attacks hit.
So what's left for me, I guess is to sleep my life away, as at least when I dream I get to have a life of adventure and freedom I so crave. I am lucky enough that I have a lot of good friends on FB and I get to live my life also through their eyes, as they share photo's of their days with me and their adventures, so it's not all bad.
Maybe one day with someone that cares enough and has enough time, I'll be able to crawl out of this hole that's so deep and dark that is all so consuming.
Any way enough of this venting and negativity, If I don't lift myself out of this no one else will.
I need to motivate myself as I have enough tools in my kit to do so and win.
Today I will spent the rest of the day being good to myself, laughing and singing and leave the out side world where it needs to be for just this moment in time.
Stay Safe and Well, Chat Again Tomorrow.
Love Trace xxx.
Thursday 5 June 2014
Well It's Been A Few Days
Well who's been a busy girl, that would be me then, lol.
Since Friday it's been crazy here.
Friday saw me still dragging my butt out of bed even though exhausted to go out and get the weekend grocery shopping with Mark. We were out for 3 hours and visited 4 shops, I was proud even in my hardest time and filled with exhaustion I did it.
Saturday saw me swallowing my deep dark fears and going to a family wedding. Getting ready was the hard part as so many times my mind gave me excuses not to go, but I won that battle and just keep saying stop to myself. It took all the determination I could muster to get out that door and go, but get out that door and go I did :). Mum Jean and Mark didn't help much either, as neither of them wanted to go either and were also looking for any little excuse to get out of it, so I was also staying strong and fighting not just mine, but their demons too. For once in my life it wasn't about me being selfish, it was about me putting someone else feelings in front of my own. It wasn't easy once I got there as my panic attacks took hold of me, but I breathed through them to come out the other side. I guess I have got to the point where I'm sick of my illness stealing everything from me and now it's time to fight back. I want family memories and a life, not just an existence trapped in one room of my house. We were out for 4 hours which is huge for me and we also ate a 3 course meal while being out again which is a big deal for me as the nausea I normally feel when out my comfort zone can stop me. The meal from the Tower Hotel in Lincoln was fabulous, I highly recommend them, if not a bit pricey, but I guess these days you only get what you pay for, lol. When I got home I was both physically and mentally exhausted from holding it all together for that length of time but I felt proud that for a short period that day, I did what, and I quote, normal people do.
Sunday was so hard to get out of bed felt so drained and like I had nothing left to give. I got myself out of bed and back into the garden out the front with Mark. Then went off to the shops to buy a few plants to place in the front and back gardens, I got 5 red kew lavenders, 5 normal, sunflower, fig tree, kiwi tree, red grape vine and a raspberry cane and got them all planted as well. My panic attack did start half way through, but instead of running back inside I once again sat still for a few minutes and breathed it through. Paul and Sheila turned up to say hi and ask us what we thought of their wedding day and how pleased they were that we all managed to attend, it made their day extra special. My Mum also rang me tonight and told me they are off to Spain for 10 days on Tuesday, this can be a huge trigger for me as normally when they go abroad someone close dies and as I don't handle death that well I am always filled with dread while they are away.
Monday was family grocery shopping day again and still hard as I'm now still slipping down further into a bipolar low. I had this huge urge to stay in bed all day so have been fighting the tiredness and exhaustion badly today. Panic attacks are now starting to make their presence known and all I want to do is shut myself away and sleep. I have also noticed my appetite is low and not feeling much hunger just now, only for cakes and junk food anything with high sugar in it, which I guess is my bodies way of staying I need comfort be good to me for now. Still to many jobs to do in the home for the family and animals so I will have to muddle through just now, no time to rest properly yet.
Tuesday, feel full of dread and agitation, feel snappy and full of self loathing, but trying to stay on top of my self talk. Mum and Dad arrived safely in Spain In the early hours of this morning. Even though still feeling tired, I got up did our whole bedroom from top to bottom, fed everyone that was here for lunch and was desperately looking forward to an afternoon granny nap when the council man arrived to fix my shower downstairs after reporting 4 months ago. Got back up feed and bathed the tortoises and cooked everyone tea, then watched my Aussie Soaps and Mark decided he wanted to go into town to get our new mower, so got ready and went wit him. We were about 2 hours as also nipped to farm foods to top up our freezers. Now I feel deflated and totally knackered and the low and panic attacks are overtaking me. Steve told me off as he would see where I was heading before I did and now I feel like I've hit another brick wall doing 100 miles an hour, it was stupid of me, I know now I should of took rest days ago, but it's not easy when your have a big house and garden to run and are full time carer for an elderly relative that lives with you as well as adult kids still living at home.
Wednesday saw me once again pulling all my strength together as I'm now on a low about 3 on the Bipolar Mood scale and showering and getting ready to once again go shopping with Mark. We were out for around 3 hours and I tried so hard to just take my time and not rush and get snappy, every time the feeling of agitation rose I was self aware and swallowed it back down again. then I came home and slept until 6pm, felt guilty as Mark had to do the evening animal care. Ashley and I did tea for myself , Nina and himself, so wasn't too bad but the panic attacks are raising as the tiredness sets in more. I went in Paltalk for a bit but didn't stay as was too tired for small talk and being every one else's clown. So watched the England match and had a quiet night by myself. Just wish I could get one good nights sleep without getting up every hour, broken sleep really sucks.
Thursday (today) Well I have got up for what's it's worth still on a mood scale of 3 and even more exhausted and filled with panic attacks today. So decided to not move much a day on my bed is called for and so I'm catching up here with my Blog and my games on Face Book and generally being good to myself and my needs. today I am snappy agitated and restless, also feeling very paranoid and second guessing my every thought and words I say to other people, not the best place to be. Anyway today I will have to rest as my panic attacks are making me do that, so no choice. So just me my bed sleep, occasionally get up for the toilet and food and may snuggle tonight with Kaiser, my dog, Eddie My African grey and my TV or and If I feel brave enough later a quick shower to freshen up. I am lucky to have a good and loyal partner as Mark will take the load of the rest of house and any house hold duties that need his attention, like Mum Jean etc, etc.
Anyway, Tomorrows another day.
Be safe and remember to smile it confuses people :).
Until tomorrow, Trace signing out xxx
Since Friday it's been crazy here.
Friday saw me still dragging my butt out of bed even though exhausted to go out and get the weekend grocery shopping with Mark. We were out for 3 hours and visited 4 shops, I was proud even in my hardest time and filled with exhaustion I did it.
Saturday saw me swallowing my deep dark fears and going to a family wedding. Getting ready was the hard part as so many times my mind gave me excuses not to go, but I won that battle and just keep saying stop to myself. It took all the determination I could muster to get out that door and go, but get out that door and go I did :). Mum Jean and Mark didn't help much either, as neither of them wanted to go either and were also looking for any little excuse to get out of it, so I was also staying strong and fighting not just mine, but their demons too. For once in my life it wasn't about me being selfish, it was about me putting someone else feelings in front of my own. It wasn't easy once I got there as my panic attacks took hold of me, but I breathed through them to come out the other side. I guess I have got to the point where I'm sick of my illness stealing everything from me and now it's time to fight back. I want family memories and a life, not just an existence trapped in one room of my house. We were out for 4 hours which is huge for me and we also ate a 3 course meal while being out again which is a big deal for me as the nausea I normally feel when out my comfort zone can stop me. The meal from the Tower Hotel in Lincoln was fabulous, I highly recommend them, if not a bit pricey, but I guess these days you only get what you pay for, lol. When I got home I was both physically and mentally exhausted from holding it all together for that length of time but I felt proud that for a short period that day, I did what, and I quote, normal people do.
Sunday was so hard to get out of bed felt so drained and like I had nothing left to give. I got myself out of bed and back into the garden out the front with Mark. Then went off to the shops to buy a few plants to place in the front and back gardens, I got 5 red kew lavenders, 5 normal, sunflower, fig tree, kiwi tree, red grape vine and a raspberry cane and got them all planted as well. My panic attack did start half way through, but instead of running back inside I once again sat still for a few minutes and breathed it through. Paul and Sheila turned up to say hi and ask us what we thought of their wedding day and how pleased they were that we all managed to attend, it made their day extra special. My Mum also rang me tonight and told me they are off to Spain for 10 days on Tuesday, this can be a huge trigger for me as normally when they go abroad someone close dies and as I don't handle death that well I am always filled with dread while they are away.
Monday was family grocery shopping day again and still hard as I'm now still slipping down further into a bipolar low. I had this huge urge to stay in bed all day so have been fighting the tiredness and exhaustion badly today. Panic attacks are now starting to make their presence known and all I want to do is shut myself away and sleep. I have also noticed my appetite is low and not feeling much hunger just now, only for cakes and junk food anything with high sugar in it, which I guess is my bodies way of staying I need comfort be good to me for now. Still to many jobs to do in the home for the family and animals so I will have to muddle through just now, no time to rest properly yet.
Tuesday, feel full of dread and agitation, feel snappy and full of self loathing, but trying to stay on top of my self talk. Mum and Dad arrived safely in Spain In the early hours of this morning. Even though still feeling tired, I got up did our whole bedroom from top to bottom, fed everyone that was here for lunch and was desperately looking forward to an afternoon granny nap when the council man arrived to fix my shower downstairs after reporting 4 months ago. Got back up feed and bathed the tortoises and cooked everyone tea, then watched my Aussie Soaps and Mark decided he wanted to go into town to get our new mower, so got ready and went wit him. We were about 2 hours as also nipped to farm foods to top up our freezers. Now I feel deflated and totally knackered and the low and panic attacks are overtaking me. Steve told me off as he would see where I was heading before I did and now I feel like I've hit another brick wall doing 100 miles an hour, it was stupid of me, I know now I should of took rest days ago, but it's not easy when your have a big house and garden to run and are full time carer for an elderly relative that lives with you as well as adult kids still living at home.
Wednesday saw me once again pulling all my strength together as I'm now on a low about 3 on the Bipolar Mood scale and showering and getting ready to once again go shopping with Mark. We were out for around 3 hours and I tried so hard to just take my time and not rush and get snappy, every time the feeling of agitation rose I was self aware and swallowed it back down again. then I came home and slept until 6pm, felt guilty as Mark had to do the evening animal care. Ashley and I did tea for myself , Nina and himself, so wasn't too bad but the panic attacks are raising as the tiredness sets in more. I went in Paltalk for a bit but didn't stay as was too tired for small talk and being every one else's clown. So watched the England match and had a quiet night by myself. Just wish I could get one good nights sleep without getting up every hour, broken sleep really sucks.
Thursday (today) Well I have got up for what's it's worth still on a mood scale of 3 and even more exhausted and filled with panic attacks today. So decided to not move much a day on my bed is called for and so I'm catching up here with my Blog and my games on Face Book and generally being good to myself and my needs. today I am snappy agitated and restless, also feeling very paranoid and second guessing my every thought and words I say to other people, not the best place to be. Anyway today I will have to rest as my panic attacks are making me do that, so no choice. So just me my bed sleep, occasionally get up for the toilet and food and may snuggle tonight with Kaiser, my dog, Eddie My African grey and my TV or and If I feel brave enough later a quick shower to freshen up. I am lucky to have a good and loyal partner as Mark will take the load of the rest of house and any house hold duties that need his attention, like Mum Jean etc, etc.
Anyway, Tomorrows another day.
Be safe and remember to smile it confuses people :).
Until tomorrow, Trace signing out xxx
Thursday 29 May 2014
The Young And The Restless
Mood Scale Today Is Still A 3.
Got up with little energy, feeling so exhausted all the time at the moment. Down To The Mum In-Law still being unwell and triggering me, bless her.
Got terrible tummy cramps today too, due to 5 Fibroids I have in my womb that play up from time to time, so not having a very good time of it this morning.
Weather here today again is rain, rain, oh yes and more rain, making for a dark and gloomy day.
I spent yesterday with feeling low trying to find (just what it says on the label) a Bipolar support group I could join on Face-Book, I joined a few but they are all the same, just doom and gloom. It seems to be the thing to be in competition with each other to who takes the most med's or who the most depressed, after spending a bit of time on them, I left feeling worse than before I found them, guess they aren't for me, maybe if I can't find what I am looking for I should create my own, just one of the many idea's I have been playing around with in my head. Saying that if I did It would mean dedication, something I'm not the best with on my own dark days, so we will see, lol.
I also keep thinking about DJing again more regularly for the internet station I volunteer my time for when I'm well, but even though I really want too, I don't want to let anyone down again and with Mum being so ill and myself low at the this moment it's probably not the best idea, in time maybe, but not the best plan of action just now, so I guess I'll just keeping writing here for now until settle down a little :).
I am so restless today, The want to do something new and exciting is there, but the body and emotions are not willing and are letting me down.
I can always tell when I'm entering a low as the want to mix with others leaves me and my bedroom once again becomes my best friend, along with my Face-Book games and my television, in-fact anything that helps me escape reality.
Let me try to explain when the low comes in what it feels like to someone who doesn't suffer, after you know me, I love to share, lol.
It's a dark all consuming cloud that hangs over your whole being with no escape or anywhere to hide from it, it leaves you feeling totally and utterly depleted and deflated, You become paranoid and vulnerable and for me especially very self critical and over analyse every word or action of others. My Panic Attacks begin to increase and that in it's self brings terrible feeling of guilt and loneliness. Also I can't be bothered with anything, even to eat is such an effort as my mind is so indecisive, so I normally eat junk food, lots of sugar to make me feel better but the feeling is only short term, then once again the guilt hits as I can't loose this awful weight I'm carrying and I hate myself terrible for being such a slave to eating for comfort.
I am snappy and so irritable that should you talk to me in this state of my low you wouldn't recognise the demon I have become and once again the cycle of guilt continues on.
My head Talks to me all the time, telling me I'm useless, unworthy and total don't deserve anything nice to ever happen to me in this life time, I deserve all of this torment.
Also I have irrational fears that kick in like, if I take med's they will poison me or if I eat certain foods, and this can be any foods out of the blue that I have eaten for years, I will have an allergic reaction and die, just stupid things that when I not low I know are stupid and irrational.
During these times I also cut outsiders off and don't talk to them for days or months as I feel I don't deserve their help or support and with having abandonment issues from childhood it's easier for me to walk away first then be left with the terrible heart ache of someone yet again leaving me alone and isolated.
All I can say is thank god for my husband who puts with all that and more, he truly is my soul mate and the only one I have found in this life time to love me unconditionally, he will always be the love of my life and my silent hero.
I am so lucky to have by my side he keeps me sane and because of him I have more good days than bad. he is the one that cuddles me and tells me every things going be alright, when other people that are suppose to be my friends, don't understand my illness and crucify me for it. He is compassionate and soooo patient with me, never criticizing or moaning he just accepts it all and takes it in his stride. God love him xx.
Funny, how I have spent the best part of my life looking and searching for a best friend, when all along I had the best friend a girl could ever want right by my side, but I guess I had to figure that one out for myself, only took me 20 years, lol.
So what's my plans for today, to be good myself and not listen to them stupid voices in my head, spending a lot of time today doing affirmations and taking control of my self talk. I have also gone back to doing my mindfulness meditations as I must say the Buddhist know a thing or too about finding peace within ones self.
So all that's left for me to say today is have a good one what ever you're up too.
Trace signing out xxx
Got up with little energy, feeling so exhausted all the time at the moment. Down To The Mum In-Law still being unwell and triggering me, bless her.
Got terrible tummy cramps today too, due to 5 Fibroids I have in my womb that play up from time to time, so not having a very good time of it this morning.
Weather here today again is rain, rain, oh yes and more rain, making for a dark and gloomy day.
I spent yesterday with feeling low trying to find (just what it says on the label) a Bipolar support group I could join on Face-Book, I joined a few but they are all the same, just doom and gloom. It seems to be the thing to be in competition with each other to who takes the most med's or who the most depressed, after spending a bit of time on them, I left feeling worse than before I found them, guess they aren't for me, maybe if I can't find what I am looking for I should create my own, just one of the many idea's I have been playing around with in my head. Saying that if I did It would mean dedication, something I'm not the best with on my own dark days, so we will see, lol.
I also keep thinking about DJing again more regularly for the internet station I volunteer my time for when I'm well, but even though I really want too, I don't want to let anyone down again and with Mum being so ill and myself low at the this moment it's probably not the best idea, in time maybe, but not the best plan of action just now, so I guess I'll just keeping writing here for now until settle down a little :).
I am so restless today, The want to do something new and exciting is there, but the body and emotions are not willing and are letting me down.
I can always tell when I'm entering a low as the want to mix with others leaves me and my bedroom once again becomes my best friend, along with my Face-Book games and my television, in-fact anything that helps me escape reality.
Let me try to explain when the low comes in what it feels like to someone who doesn't suffer, after you know me, I love to share, lol.
It's a dark all consuming cloud that hangs over your whole being with no escape or anywhere to hide from it, it leaves you feeling totally and utterly depleted and deflated, You become paranoid and vulnerable and for me especially very self critical and over analyse every word or action of others. My Panic Attacks begin to increase and that in it's self brings terrible feeling of guilt and loneliness. Also I can't be bothered with anything, even to eat is such an effort as my mind is so indecisive, so I normally eat junk food, lots of sugar to make me feel better but the feeling is only short term, then once again the guilt hits as I can't loose this awful weight I'm carrying and I hate myself terrible for being such a slave to eating for comfort.
I am snappy and so irritable that should you talk to me in this state of my low you wouldn't recognise the demon I have become and once again the cycle of guilt continues on.
My head Talks to me all the time, telling me I'm useless, unworthy and total don't deserve anything nice to ever happen to me in this life time, I deserve all of this torment.
Also I have irrational fears that kick in like, if I take med's they will poison me or if I eat certain foods, and this can be any foods out of the blue that I have eaten for years, I will have an allergic reaction and die, just stupid things that when I not low I know are stupid and irrational.
During these times I also cut outsiders off and don't talk to them for days or months as I feel I don't deserve their help or support and with having abandonment issues from childhood it's easier for me to walk away first then be left with the terrible heart ache of someone yet again leaving me alone and isolated.
All I can say is thank god for my husband who puts with all that and more, he truly is my soul mate and the only one I have found in this life time to love me unconditionally, he will always be the love of my life and my silent hero.
I am so lucky to have by my side he keeps me sane and because of him I have more good days than bad. he is the one that cuddles me and tells me every things going be alright, when other people that are suppose to be my friends, don't understand my illness and crucify me for it. He is compassionate and soooo patient with me, never criticizing or moaning he just accepts it all and takes it in his stride. God love him xx.
Funny, how I have spent the best part of my life looking and searching for a best friend, when all along I had the best friend a girl could ever want right by my side, but I guess I had to figure that one out for myself, only took me 20 years, lol.
So what's my plans for today, to be good myself and not listen to them stupid voices in my head, spending a lot of time today doing affirmations and taking control of my self talk. I have also gone back to doing my mindfulness meditations as I must say the Buddhist know a thing or too about finding peace within ones self.
So all that's left for me to say today is have a good one what ever you're up too.
Trace signing out xxx
28th Of May 2014 Blog
Today I woke up feeling low and exhausted, mood scale is a 3 today on the Bipolar chart.
Been triggered by my mum in law who lives with us. She has been poorly for a few months and been as my husband and I are her only carers I guess it takes it toll on me.
Trigger, lets talk a little more about them shall we, for me my main triggers are illness and death mainly.
When I first started my illness many years ago, before my new label of Bipolar 2, I had this overwhelming fear of dying that got so irrational. It was triggered after nearly loosing my life after my second child was born. I feared as most single parents I guess that who would look after my new born and my toddler should anything happen to me, so this irrational fear was born.
It happened out of the blue and I have never been fully able to this point in time to recover from it. So when anyone around me gets sick or dies, It takes me down a road of shutting myself away to avoid it. But with Mum living with us and my home being my safe place it's become such a huge turmoil for me to live with since last December when she started to become unwell as I have no where to escape too. So I feel trapped, alone and desperate. It's funny but it's taking all my strength that I need to get well myself and fight this world I have become trapped in as a recluse. I sometimes feel such resentment and anger for being put in such a position to start with, but then the guilt sets in, how can I be so selfish and so the cycle starts, a never ending circle that I just can't escape from and it drags me further and further down in the that dark abyss.
If only I wasn't a recluse and was able just to escape for a few days to recharge my batteries to come back refreshed to start again, I guess we all have our crosses to bear in life.
Don't get me wrong here, I am not moaning or trying to bring anyone else down, I just believe talking helps and writing down gets it out my head at least for a little while anyway, and after all this is MY blog and I did say I would share the good and the bad, no holes barred, lol.
So today I have hid in my bedroom and played my games on Face Book and that I use as a distraction, wrote some post on Face Book and made a few people smile along the way, talked and cuddled my German Shepherd Kaiser and started this blog, so out of a negative start came a positive.
Life can only get me down if I let it and after starting this blog I am beginning to slowly climb up the mood chat for the first time today, maybe an old friend was right after all, that writing is a therapy in its self, I guess we will see as the weeks unfold.
Isn't it funny me, who by the way that can normally talk for the whole of the UK to anyone that will stay long enough to listen, has such problems at sharing my emotions, guess that's the way British society has brought us up, that it's taboo to talk about such things, that's why I guess I love the Australians and Americans for, as they say it like it is good or bad and that my friend is liberating and freeing.
The biggest lesson I have had to learn to date is not to be a people pleaser and it's ok to say NO, it puts so much added stress into an already fast and stressful life we now live in, but it's hard to break old habit's and I constantly have to remind myself that we are only here once and I must follow my own path even if it means at times standing alone, I must stay true to myself for what else is there if not that. That will be my biggest achievement in this life time.
I am very aware also today that I haven't done any real exercise in the last 2 days apart from normal house hold duties, such as ironing and preparing meals both for my tribe (family) and the many feathered, shelled and Furry creatures I share my humble abode with. The weather has yet again took a downward spiral and there is rain oh and more rain and so dark and gloomy, which I feel helps none of us much, especially those who suffer depression. But as from tomorrow I will put on my coat and get out in the garden for a few hours of weeding and digging, doesn't matter if I get wet I can have a hot shower when I come back in the house. Being out in the fresh air helps me escape my troubles be it only for a little while, and is also helping build up my muscles and energy levels after the last 3 years just sitting in my bedroom to afraid on most days to even leave this room for a quick shower.
I am still finding it a huge challenge to be outside on my own, but I am still making myself do it and it is getting easier everyday. It is giving me a sense of pride.
One more thing before I leave you for today, do you find like me, people moan and moan but never change anything they are moaning about, I have become very conscious of this over the months with sitting back and watching others. So I made a promise to myself rather than moan I would do something constructive to change things I don't like, that's in my power to do of course, let me give you an example. I have been watching programme's of late to do with the food we eat, like food unwrapped and decided I didn't want to have to put up with the chemicals they put on and in our food to grow it faster or keep it's shelf life longer, so I brought 2 greenhouses and decided to grow my own organic fruit and vegetables myself, so I am now growing my very own Tomatoes, Cucumbers, butternut squashes, cabbages, Beetroot, Parsnips, Onions, Strawberries, Raspberries, Tayberries, Blueberries and various herbs all by myself. It's been a whole new learning curve for me but all in all very stimulating and exciting. So you see we can all putting our moaning to bed by getting out there and creating our own solutions and take some responsibility for our own welfare and that of Mother Earth.
Anyway since I have now talked you to death, I'll leave you in peace.
Have a great day, what ever you're up too and remember to smile, it confuses people xxx
Been triggered by my mum in law who lives with us. She has been poorly for a few months and been as my husband and I are her only carers I guess it takes it toll on me.
Trigger, lets talk a little more about them shall we, for me my main triggers are illness and death mainly.
When I first started my illness many years ago, before my new label of Bipolar 2, I had this overwhelming fear of dying that got so irrational. It was triggered after nearly loosing my life after my second child was born. I feared as most single parents I guess that who would look after my new born and my toddler should anything happen to me, so this irrational fear was born.
It happened out of the blue and I have never been fully able to this point in time to recover from it. So when anyone around me gets sick or dies, It takes me down a road of shutting myself away to avoid it. But with Mum living with us and my home being my safe place it's become such a huge turmoil for me to live with since last December when she started to become unwell as I have no where to escape too. So I feel trapped, alone and desperate. It's funny but it's taking all my strength that I need to get well myself and fight this world I have become trapped in as a recluse. I sometimes feel such resentment and anger for being put in such a position to start with, but then the guilt sets in, how can I be so selfish and so the cycle starts, a never ending circle that I just can't escape from and it drags me further and further down in the that dark abyss.
If only I wasn't a recluse and was able just to escape for a few days to recharge my batteries to come back refreshed to start again, I guess we all have our crosses to bear in life.
Don't get me wrong here, I am not moaning or trying to bring anyone else down, I just believe talking helps and writing down gets it out my head at least for a little while anyway, and after all this is MY blog and I did say I would share the good and the bad, no holes barred, lol.
So today I have hid in my bedroom and played my games on Face Book and that I use as a distraction, wrote some post on Face Book and made a few people smile along the way, talked and cuddled my German Shepherd Kaiser and started this blog, so out of a negative start came a positive.
Life can only get me down if I let it and after starting this blog I am beginning to slowly climb up the mood chat for the first time today, maybe an old friend was right after all, that writing is a therapy in its self, I guess we will see as the weeks unfold.
Isn't it funny me, who by the way that can normally talk for the whole of the UK to anyone that will stay long enough to listen, has such problems at sharing my emotions, guess that's the way British society has brought us up, that it's taboo to talk about such things, that's why I guess I love the Australians and Americans for, as they say it like it is good or bad and that my friend is liberating and freeing.
The biggest lesson I have had to learn to date is not to be a people pleaser and it's ok to say NO, it puts so much added stress into an already fast and stressful life we now live in, but it's hard to break old habit's and I constantly have to remind myself that we are only here once and I must follow my own path even if it means at times standing alone, I must stay true to myself for what else is there if not that. That will be my biggest achievement in this life time.
I am very aware also today that I haven't done any real exercise in the last 2 days apart from normal house hold duties, such as ironing and preparing meals both for my tribe (family) and the many feathered, shelled and Furry creatures I share my humble abode with. The weather has yet again took a downward spiral and there is rain oh and more rain and so dark and gloomy, which I feel helps none of us much, especially those who suffer depression. But as from tomorrow I will put on my coat and get out in the garden for a few hours of weeding and digging, doesn't matter if I get wet I can have a hot shower when I come back in the house. Being out in the fresh air helps me escape my troubles be it only for a little while, and is also helping build up my muscles and energy levels after the last 3 years just sitting in my bedroom to afraid on most days to even leave this room for a quick shower.
I am still finding it a huge challenge to be outside on my own, but I am still making myself do it and it is getting easier everyday. It is giving me a sense of pride.
One more thing before I leave you for today, do you find like me, people moan and moan but never change anything they are moaning about, I have become very conscious of this over the months with sitting back and watching others. So I made a promise to myself rather than moan I would do something constructive to change things I don't like, that's in my power to do of course, let me give you an example. I have been watching programme's of late to do with the food we eat, like food unwrapped and decided I didn't want to have to put up with the chemicals they put on and in our food to grow it faster or keep it's shelf life longer, so I brought 2 greenhouses and decided to grow my own organic fruit and vegetables myself, so I am now growing my very own Tomatoes, Cucumbers, butternut squashes, cabbages, Beetroot, Parsnips, Onions, Strawberries, Raspberries, Tayberries, Blueberries and various herbs all by myself. It's been a whole new learning curve for me but all in all very stimulating and exciting. So you see we can all putting our moaning to bed by getting out there and creating our own solutions and take some responsibility for our own welfare and that of Mother Earth.
Anyway since I have now talked you to death, I'll leave you in peace.
Have a great day, what ever you're up too and remember to smile, it confuses people xxx
Wednesday 28 May 2014
As My World Turns (My Brief Introduction)
It's been 6 weeks since of was given the label of Bipolar 2, Even Though it's been 25 years coming.
For Years I have been told by professionals I suffered from clinical depression, with panic attack disorder and Agoraphobia thrown in for good measure.
Over the years I have learnt to live with it turning away from main stream medicine and travelling down a pathway of self discovery all in the quest to get myself well again, and to be honest I was doing ok, I had learnt to accept and even embrace it at times. A wise man once said and I quote: It's not about surviving the storm, it's about getting out there and dancing in the rain.
So how do I feel now, well it's been a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least, first came the numbness and shock, then the I feel sorry for myself, and lastly anger, knowing I will never be able to be who I was before this illness robbed me and I also feel very cheated out of life. This silent stranger has taken all I once was, replacing it with a shadow of my former self.
I have decided after a long and hard deliberation and researching that I am not as yet prepared to go down the drugs road with this illness, to many side effects with the big drugs, but I'm not saying never, just not for this moment in time. I am however saying as I have managed this illness for 25 years on my own, prepared to self manage and share that journey here with who ever is interested in learning and watching my progress. I have over the years learnt many things to help me down this road, it's like life had already started me on this journey years ago before I had any idea what it was I was even dealing with, So hence I have tools that I feel will keep me in good sted, such as NLP, CBT, and a few others I will share with you as we get to know each other better, lol.
So as you join me on my blogging adventure you will share with me all that is entailed with a journey of once being a recluse, alone and desperate and just existing, to a women who is going to fight everyday to enjoy life and learn to go out side and experience this wonderful world.
I will share with you everyday my journey from the beginning with all the fear and uncertainty of facing a world 25 years ago I turned my back on, you will travel with me as I face my irrational fears, Share my darkest secrets and watch me grow and become part of the world again.
So without further ado, welcome and please fasten your seatbelts for the bumpy ride that is my life
Have A Great Day
Love Trace xxx
For Years I have been told by professionals I suffered from clinical depression, with panic attack disorder and Agoraphobia thrown in for good measure.
Over the years I have learnt to live with it turning away from main stream medicine and travelling down a pathway of self discovery all in the quest to get myself well again, and to be honest I was doing ok, I had learnt to accept and even embrace it at times. A wise man once said and I quote: It's not about surviving the storm, it's about getting out there and dancing in the rain.
So how do I feel now, well it's been a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least, first came the numbness and shock, then the I feel sorry for myself, and lastly anger, knowing I will never be able to be who I was before this illness robbed me and I also feel very cheated out of life. This silent stranger has taken all I once was, replacing it with a shadow of my former self.
I have decided after a long and hard deliberation and researching that I am not as yet prepared to go down the drugs road with this illness, to many side effects with the big drugs, but I'm not saying never, just not for this moment in time. I am however saying as I have managed this illness for 25 years on my own, prepared to self manage and share that journey here with who ever is interested in learning and watching my progress. I have over the years learnt many things to help me down this road, it's like life had already started me on this journey years ago before I had any idea what it was I was even dealing with, So hence I have tools that I feel will keep me in good sted, such as NLP, CBT, and a few others I will share with you as we get to know each other better, lol.
So as you join me on my blogging adventure you will share with me all that is entailed with a journey of once being a recluse, alone and desperate and just existing, to a women who is going to fight everyday to enjoy life and learn to go out side and experience this wonderful world.
I will share with you everyday my journey from the beginning with all the fear and uncertainty of facing a world 25 years ago I turned my back on, you will travel with me as I face my irrational fears, Share my darkest secrets and watch me grow and become part of the world again.
So without further ado, welcome and please fasten your seatbelts for the bumpy ride that is my life
Have A Great Day
Love Trace xxx
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